Memories

I apologize for my lack of posts. My life has been a bit crazy between my job, having some fun and working on being the best me I can be.

Today I want to write about memories… this week is the one year anniversary of getting the call from the detective about my case ending before it even got started due to the statute of limitations. This set off an already emotional year into a nearly deadly ending and I will talk more about that.

It’s been almost exactly a year since I got the call that made me feel raped all over again, that had me feeling so many emotions. A year later and it’s still not something I regret doing. Yes, the whole thing truly sucks/sucked but I can’t help feel proud that I survived doing what I only dreamed about doing. I also can’t help but feel like maybe it ended up the way it was supposed to, that maybe I wouldn’t have been able to handle it going to court and facing my rapist… so many what ifs, and I may never know for sure. But, I do know that I did all I could in naming him and trying to hold him accountable.

Shortly after I got the call from the detective, I was then informed by my advocate that helped me through all that (and much more) was taking a different job. An already bad situation was made worse by that news… shortly after that I was falsely accused of stealing someone’s purse out of their cart at a store. The officer treated me so poorly, to that point I thought maybe I’d finally gone crazy and did it without remembering… I also remember thinking “they couldn’t arrest my rapist and now they are going after me.” It all worked itself out but I still have PTSD from that situation…. life just kept on doing that… every time I’d pick myself up off the ground, something else would come and knock me back down. It was constantly up, down, up, down. I was getting pretty darn exhausted… months of being knocked down and a medication change/s finally brought everything to a near halt. My brain was tired. It wanted to die. I was in a war with myself, arguing back and forth about wanting to die and “no you don’t, you have everything to live for” I contacted my doctor and was taken off the medicine. Months and months of one stressor after another came close to an ugly end…

And then… my little nephew came 2 1/2 weeks early right in the midst of all it. I call him my little light in the darkness. Everything has changed for me since he came into this world. I have to stick around and be healthy so I can have a long and happy life with him in it!!

To Kim, if you still check out this blog, thank you for all you did for me on this journey. Your words and examples still get me through some tough times. And, I even catch myself reminding others to be kind to themselves! It’s been a crazy year since you left, but so much has happened to make me an even better person!! You’d be proud!!

Thank you to those who have stuck around to read my thoughts. Eventually, I plan to write about my summer of the monarch butterflies… stay tuned!

All my love, KatieButterfly

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