*Trigger Warning*

Abuse is something I’ve been through in different ways almost all my life. I guess it started when I was 15. I was dating a guy for about 6 months who I met at a party. When I was younger I partied a lot! I was alone in his house and he wanted to have sex. I said no right away. He then hit me in the face (wasn’t the first time). He pinned me down and tore my shorts. After it was over he kicked me out of his house and made me walk home so ashamed. I am 48 years old and back then there really wasn’t anything called “date rape”. But that’s what happened. I never told anyone. Over the years I dated guys who liked to put me down. I was popular in school and had many friends. When I was 25 I met a guy 10 years older than me who treated me great at first. We got a house together. He changed. He had a drug and drinking problem and became very mean. It started with verbal abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse and escalated to getting extremely angry with me for no reason and broke a major bone in my arm. I still was afraid to tell anyone. I finally escaped a few months later and got my own place.

I met my husband in 2000 and we were married in 2005. I love him very much but hate him sometimes also (if that makes sense). He calls me crazy a lot. I just try to keep the peace. He’s not physically abusive at all. Just very mental and verbal. I have no privacy. He reads my journals and messages on my phone all the time. I hate it. Sometimes I wish he would just hit me. It seems easier than to be put down all the time.

I’ve had major anxiety issues all my life. Four years ago I went into detox to get off my meds and alcohol. It’s the proudest day of my life. Going to therapy every week for years has helped me be stronger.