You took my innocence. You took my pride. You took my Mom.
And you took my 12 year old self with you too.
This night, I can still remember, it was in my long, narrow room. With the cracks in between all of the wood floor boards and the BB’s all squished in them.
The moonlight reflecting on the vanity above my bureau never shined so bright.
My door wide open, with a small stool that had a blue cushion on top of it holding it open. I gave up on shutting it, because it was useless anyway. My mom got mad when she opened my door and something would be blocking it. I tried so hard and just gave up.
I move over facing my wall as I lay in my bed, staring at the Hannah Montana poster I had above me, and I hear him walk in.
Steel toed boots, the smell of alcohol when he barges in and stumbles around. I knew what was coming, but I denied it in my head. I just sunk further into my bed and blocked the time out of my head completely.
That’s when he struck. He set his glass down on my bureau, stood there for a minute and laughed until he started taking off his belt. I felt a tear run down my cheek, but I felt so numb. I felt like I was hovering over my own body. I was paralyzed and couldn’t move because I was so scared. He reached under the blankets, threw them off of me and got on top of me, put his cold hands all over me and breathing on my lips, forcing me to have sex with him while I cried.
Night after night, this happened. But this night, was the night I completely and utterly gave up trying to yell and call for help, to fight back, to say it hurt, after all of the blows of his belt, the times he put himself inside of me, and the times he forced me to go down on him. I didn’t even have my period yet. I wasn’t ready.
It’s crazy how your life can change completely in a matter of minutes. This is what happened to me, every single day and night that he violated me. When he did, his eyes were wide open, and he heard my plea to stop, but he never did. Everything in my life, even if it wasn’t perfect before, got completely rearranged. I floated by the days. I blocked out at least a whole year of my life. The girl inside of me was calling out for help, but it could never come out. Every part of me that seemed good flew away from me with every thrust and every hit. My tears turned from pearls to dirty water while I lay in the night, so scared, so exposed as a man 30 years older than me took advantage of me.
Me, my weak self, is why he took advantage, because being kind and innocent comes with a cost. The greatest loss I’ve experienced was losing myself because the lowest scum on the planet thought he was powerful and could get anything he wanted.. and he did. The night I lay silent, I had seen more than I should.
Which is why everyone’s worst nightmare became mine. When I lay awake at night, I stare at the stars, I think of all of those nights.
I know I can’t change my past and the things I experienced, the hurt I felt, the violation of my own body I experienced, but guess what? I’m stronger now. What hurts the most is knowing he’s out there living his life and doing what he wants while I sit here in suffering, making myself sick thinking of his hands all over me and the body I wish I could recycle. After almost 7 years though, I am finally finding the courage to find the words to not let him control me anymore. People have looked him up for me, and he’s still the lowest scum on the earth.
Maybe I’ll go somewhere in life unlike him, and I don’t have to think of the day I lay silent anymore. It will never go away, but maybe it will get better.