I recently found this. I wrote it after my last suicide attempt, which was almost 7 years ago now. I’m glad I found it. There are a lot of positive things I’d forgotten about. It was a horrible time but taught me so much. Things I just didn’t “get” or understand until that point, and even since then, I have grown and improved so much more.

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“Wow, I guess being hospitalized for the 7th time in 5 months has forced me to retrace my steps and think back. What brought me to this point? And how do I keep myself from coming back? I know in the past several months, my borderline (BPD) has been really bad. Doing stupid things. Things I normally wouldn’t have.  I started feeling like a horribly bad person. Also, I’d been having rocky friendships with people.  Finally it got to the point where I had enough. I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt I was a disappointment and that my therapist and everyone else thought that as well and were giving up on me. So I decided if it was going to be this way, I didn’t want to and couldn’t live anymore. After coming to that decision I took about 50 of extra strength Tylenol. I was really planning to die this time. I wasn’t fooling around. But,  I freaked out after a bit and called for an ambulance… And here I am. I’ve also really been struggling with my eating disorder. Losing weight, abusing diet pills, terrified of gaining weight and anxious about eating. I know I really hurt people by trying to kill myself. And I am sorry about that.

I’m upset that I’m missing my cat’s 1st birthday. I really miss my Bunny. He needs his mommy…

I know I took that many pills because I REALLY wanted to die. I’d never felt that hopeless.

It took a tube down my throat and puking up all those pills to realize just how much I love life and how hurting myself was just stupid on my part. If I haven’t learned anything else from this I hope I learned that I am a very special unreplacable Katie  and that I have SO much going for me and when (Notice I dind’t say IF) I get through all this mental crud, I’m going to make a great advocate helping others through this.

And I am very sorry to everyone, I hurt. And If I would have died, I would never have a chance to actually meet my Hero REBA MCENTIRE. To everyone out there, there IS hope. I’m a survivor! I’ve survived: suicide, sexual and emotional abuse, deaths, eating disorders. The only thing worse than living, is knowing you could have died, when you really just wanted to know if someone cared. There is more to lfe than suicide. And I hope I have learned how much I love life.

All the things I couldn’t do If I were dead

 Be with Jeff.

Be silly.

dance/twirl in circles.

Do my car dance.

Play and snuggle with Bunny.

See all the wonderful people who care.

Meet Reba McEntire.

Turn 22 (I’m almost 28 now!!)

Go to Europe

Write my own book/autobiography

Go on Facebook

Read my books

Watch Tigger

Wear Tinkerbell

Collect my American Girl Dolls.

Couldn’t be a mom.

 

See, there are reasons and a point to life. I, Katie , am a unique girl and the world would be forever changed without me.”

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I am so proud of the person I have become today. I still have my struggles, but I have a totally different outlook on life. I survived the clutches of that life and now I’m starting to thrive… Becoming Katie Butterfly.