I want to share my story. Again. I want to share it because I need to feel the power in writing it. I also want to share it so other survivors don’t feel so alone. Because you aren’t.
Possible Trigger Warning
Let me start out by saying that I went 4 years untreated for my mental disorders because BPD was something they would only diagnose as an adult. I was 14. My high school years were literal hell. To this day I still don’t know how I made it through. Fast forward to when I was 18 years old. I finally got diagnosed and treated for BPD. However the damage had already been done. I spent my early 20s in and out of psych wards. I hit rock bottom and then some.
While at my worst I was raped by someone I knew. Someone I trusted. I didn’t know it at the time. I just felt horrible about losing my virginity the way I did. Soon afterwards I overdosed. The worst and last attempt to date. I truly thought I deserved to die. I hated myself and everyone else did too.
I survived. And it was then I chose to live. To get better. That meant leaving my past behind. Starting over.
A few years later, after running into my rapist, is when it hit me. I had been raped. In my own bed. By someone I trusted.
I was devastated. I was still in denial. My emotions were all over the place. I decided not to report it because it had been so long and I feared not being believed.
Over the years I’ve blogged about my story and a few years back I shared my story on local radio to raise awareness. It was then I met the sexual assault advocate that would change my life.
I trusted my advocate like I trusted no one before. I faced many things. I shared things, I admitted things and I really began to heal.
This summer I started a medication change that made me feel emotions again. It was then I decided to report my rape, 9 years later. I knew the chances of it being too late or going no where were very high. Despite all that, I decided to do it. My advocate set up an appointment to see a detective. With her by my side I bravely shared my story and named my rapist for who he is.
Months went by and I finally heard back from the detective. I was not prepared to hear that the statutes passed a long time ago. I felt completely blindsided.
I can’t tell you how much it sucked. How I started sobbing and couldn’t stop. How angry I was. At everyone.
I blamed myself for waiting so long. Although the truth is I wouldn’t have been ready any time sooner.
Soon after that I would learn that my advocate was taking a different job. I was blindsided a second time within weeks. It left me a complete mess.
I’m still trying to process everything and put together the pieces of my life. Some days are better than others. But, I refuse to give up.
I may never get the justice I deserve. But, what I have gotten is so much more than him going to jail. I’ve been believed over and over again. And I can’t tell you how much that means to me.