I want to share my story. Again. I want to share it because I need to feel the power in writing it. I also want to share it so other survivors don’t feel so alone. Because you aren’t.
Possible Trigger Warning
Let me start out by saying that I went 4 years untreated for my mental disorders because BPD was something they would only diagnose as an adult. I was 14. My high school years were literal hell. To this day I still don’t know how I made it through. Fast forward to when I was 18 years old. I finally got diagnosed and treated for BPD. However the damage had already been done. I spent my early 20s in and out of psych wards. I hit rock bottom and then some.
While at my worst I was raped by someone I knew. Someone I trusted. I didn’t know it at the time. I just felt horrible about losing my virginity the way I did. Soon afterwards I overdosed. The worst and last attempt to date. I truly thought I deserved to die. I hated myself and everyone else did too.
I survived. And it was then I chose to live. To get better. That meant leaving my past behind. Starting over.
A few years later, after running into my rapist, is when it hit me. I had been raped. In my own bed. By someone I trusted.
I was devastated. I was still in denial. My emotions were all over the place. I decided not to report it because it had been so long and I feared not being believed.
Over the years I’ve blogged about my story and a few years back I shared my story on local radio to raise awareness. It was then I met the sexual assault advocate that would change my life.
I trusted my advocate like I trusted no one before. I faced many things. I shared things, I admitted things and I really began to heal.
This summer I started a medication change that made me feel emotions again. It was then I decided to report my rape, 9 years later. I knew the chances of it being too late or going no where were very high. Despite all that, I decided to do it. My advocate set up an appointment to see a detective. With her by my side I bravely shared my story and named my rapist for who he is.
Months went by and I finally heard back from the detective. I was not prepared to hear that the statutes passed a long time ago. I felt completely blindsided.
I can’t tell you how much it sucked. How I started sobbing and couldn’t stop. How angry I was. At everyone.
I blamed myself for waiting so long. Although the truth is I wouldn’t have been ready any time sooner.
Soon after that I would learn that my advocate was taking a different job. I was blindsided a second time within weeks. It left me a complete mess.
I’m still trying to process everything and put together the pieces of my life. Some days are better than others. But, I refuse to give up.
I may never get the justice I deserve. But, what I have gotten is so much more than him going to jail. I’ve been believed over and over again. And I can’t tell you how much that means to me.
So sorry you had to go through that. You are very courageous. I’m surprised that your advocate didn’t know the statute of limitations timeframe before bringing you to the detective. I can see how that would have made you angry. I’m glad that you got to name your rapist to the detective – that must have been very empowering for you. One day at a time is a good way to take things. Thank you for sharing your story. 🙂
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Just like a natural butterfly as God’s Creation you Katiebutterfly have come out of your cocoon as a new creation, stronger and more beautiful than ever.
Thanks for your motivational words.
God is with you. Rita
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