I Still Don’t Regret Reporting My Rape

I have been taking a break from blogging and sharing my voice. After a long winter and all the stressers that came with COVID-19, my mind and body just needed a break.

Today I was thinking about how it’s been almost 2 years since I made my police report and how it impacted my life for the better…

For those who don’t know… I was raped back in 2009. I blocked it out for several years until something triggered my memory. At that point in time I wrestled with the idea of reporting it but ultimately decided not to. I was in a horrible place dealing with the flashbacks and I was afraid that my past mental health issues would be shoved in my face.

Fast forward to a couple years ago… With the help of my advocate, I was making so much progress in my healing. I was also in a very angry place. It felt like everyone was getting justice and that I never even tried… I wanted people to know what my abuser did. To know that I at least tried to get justice.

My advocate contacted a trained detective and a date and time was set up for me to “Take Back My Life.”

Baring my soul to the detective was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But, with my advocate by my side, I did it.

I left the police station feeling a mixture of emotions. Anxiety, relief, pride, and so much more.

I thought the actual report would be the worst of it. As much as I tried, I was not prepared for the stress of waiting to hear back nor was I prepared for the outcome.

I knew going into it, that the statute of limitations had most likely passed but the reality of it still hit me like a ton of bricks.

The call came. I was informed that too much time had passed. There was nothing they could do. I hung up the phone and I lost it. I couldn’t stop crying. I was feeling every emotion out there. I was so angry and so heartbroken. I felt violated all over again. I wished I had never reported it.

For the next several months, my life was just one bad thing after another. But, eventually I was able to start processing everything. I let myself feel my emotions. And I let myself start to heal.

As horrible as it was, I realized that I had taken back my life. I named him for what he is. I did everything I could to try to hold him accountable. Closure, I don’t know that I’ll ever fully have that but I’ve come so far in my healing.

I don’t regret making the police report because it helped continue my healing process.

I will never be over it, but it no longer controls me. I still have my moments, but I can honestly say that now I’m a Thriver.

PS. Kim, if you are reading this, thank you for your help. You got me started and I did the rest! I know you would be so proud of the person I’ve become in the last couple years!!

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