Dear Best Friend I Chased Away:
I’ve made many mistakes in my life. Mostly due to my BPD and traumatic past. I’ve been a horrible friend, said and did so many things I wish I could take back. To those I have hurt and lost along the way, this letter is for you.
I wish I could take back the angry words I said to you over and over again because I was hurting. I wish I could take back how I betrayed you when you needed me most. You will never know how much I beat myself up over it. You deserved a much better friend than you got in me. I just wish you were able to see the person I am today. How I’m really not the same person. How I’ve grown into a kind woman who advocates for others. I wish you could see that.
I know, it really seemed like (and still probably does to some people) that I was just an attention seeker. And, I know, on some level I really was. I was searching for love and affection that I never got anywhere else. And it will always be a life-long battle. I was angry at the world and I took it out on those closest to me
I wish you could see the person I am today. How I am an advocate for abuse survivors and mental health fighters.
If you could see who I am almost 10 years later, I think you would be surprised. I know I’ve surprised myself. I never thought I would live to see 20 and here I am at 30 years old, thriving. Yet, I think back on all the things I could have done differently. But, I have to remember to be kind to myself as I am not the same person you knew.
Losing you has opened up my eyes to being more accepting and forgiving of others. I know the pain of messing up and losing the ones you love most. And I never want someone else to feel the way I do.
Only I know who you are, and, I’ll never stop thinking of you, wishing you well and loving you.
I forgive myself for hurting you and I forgive you for not giving me another shot.
Forgive and forget? I doubt that will happen. But, The forgive and understand part, you bet!
Cheering you on from afar,
KatieBug (now Butterfly)
Beautiful letter Katie, very sincere and healing message.You continue to grow more beautiful everyday. You are so honest in sharing your thoughts wth others.Thanks for including me “Friend”.
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