Dear Best Friend I Chased Away:
I’ve made many mistakes in my life. Mostly due to my BPD and traumatic past. I’ve been a horrible friend, said and did so many things I wish I could take back. To those I have hurt and lost along the way, this letter is for you.
I wish I could take back the angry words I said to you over and over again because I was hurting. I wish I could take back how I betrayed you when you needed me most. You will never know how much I beat myself up over it. You deserved a much better friend than you got in me. I just wish you were able to see the person I am today. How I’m really not the same person. How I’ve grown into a kind woman who advocates for others. I wish you could see that.
I know, it really seemed like (and still probably does to some people) that I was just an attention seeker. And, I know, on some level I really was. I was searching for love and affection that I never got anywhere else. And it will always be a life-long battle. I was angry at the world and I took it out on those closest to me
I wish you could see the person I am today. How I am an advocate for abuse survivors and mental health fighters.
If you could see who I am almost 10 years later, I think you would be surprised. I know I’ve surprised myself. I never thought I would live to see 20 and here I am at 30 years old, thriving. Yet, I think back on all the things I could have done differently. But, I have to remember to be kind to myself as I am not the same person you knew.
Losing you has opened up my eyes to being more accepting and forgiving of others. I know the pain of messing up and losing the ones you love most. And I never want someone else to feel the way I do.
Only I know who you are, and, I’ll never stop thinking of you, wishing you well and loving you.
I forgive myself for hurting you and I forgive you for not giving me another shot.
Forgive and forget? I doubt that will happen. But, The forgive and understand part, you bet!
Cheering you on from afar,
KatieBug (now Butterfly)