…and I’m using my voice to let others in. A dear friend of mine reminded me just yesterday of this very blog and how it’s been a huge help to her. She also reminded me that by sharing my experience right now that I could be helping others, too.

So this is me giving it a try.

Trigger warning up ahead.

I’ve struggled with mental health issues, specifically Borderline Personality Disorder since I was 14 years old. I spent my early 20s in and out of psych wards for suicide ideation and attempts. Eventually I used my skills and stubbornness for good and mostly recovered with a few hiccups here and there.

The past few years have definitely been a build up of struggles but this year it turned ugly. Beginning of the year my long time antidepressant stopped working and I had to come off it while going on a new one. I’ll spare you the details but this process caused a minor relapse in the suicide thoughts.

I also learned that my therapist of 15+ years was retiring. I once had a big support system and that is now down to just my medication provider. I’ve felt so alone and abandoned.

This December while most everyone around me was getting ready and excited for Christmas, I was feeling dread and overwhelm and a growing darkness that even time with my nephew and niece couldn’t get rid of.

Then the self harm thoughts started. And the thoughts of “I don’t care if I live or die”. Thankfully I did not give into my thoughts of suicide. However, I’m deeply ashamed to admit that I gave into the self harm urges. Something I haven’t done in literally years. Any time I would have a mental health relapse I could always say “but at least you didn’t self harm”.

I remembered that the depression and darkness thrives in silence so I made myself contact a good friend to help pull me through and as hard as it is I’ll keep telling someone because I deserve to be here and I’ll always be a fighter even when I get tired.

If you are struggling too, please please know that you are not alone. You are loved.

And, if I need some helping hands to get back on my feet I will accept that.

Writing this won’t take the depression away but I hope it will let some of the light in.