*********Trigger Warning***********

“Here goes nothing…

My Dad was very abusive to my mom and always raised his hand to her in front of me and my brother…

They always fought and argued I stopped him from choking my mom one day by running out the door and barely got away from him when he came after me. My mom would leave him and go back to him. They fought in my school parking lot in front of my entire class and my principal had to go get him off my mom.

while this was going on at home we would go to my grandmothers house every week and me and all my cousins would walk down the road to this little store and the owner there would let us run the cash register to ring people up only at a price…

he would sit on his stool and block our way back out and make us hug him to get past him and he would touch us.

that happened for years and none of us ever told…I would often try to leave and try to use the phone and he would make me come back there behind the counter to call my mom to come and get me and most of the time she wouldn’t even though she should have noticed something was wrong knowing me but she was busy I suppose…people never see the signs and the bread crumbs that are given. I asked to use the phone one time and he got mad at me and slammed the phone down and was so angry at me even one of my cousins noticed it and I started crying…walked around the store trying to figure out how to leave I wasn’t allowed to leave without the older cousins and they were all in the back shooting pool and sneaking to smoke so I knew they were not planning on leaving any time soon.

my dad started drinking again and started taking drugs and left us and since my mom wasn’t allowed to work while they were married the landlord kicked us out…so we would move from family member to family member for awhile and stayed with my brother and his horrible wife in their basement and my mom started working and going back to college to better herself and one of my cousins had told someone about the store owner and my mom came to me and just blurted out and asked me if he had touched me…standing there with no escape and completely exposed I had no choice but to admit it.

and then my brother comes in and she just tells him like its her news and of course he looks at me and I just want to melt away! then I have to go to all these strangers and tell my story and they talk to me like i was a little girl which I was 12 or somewhere around there but it made me uncomfortable and they put me in a room with a mirror and i was worried my mom was behind there or that he was back there…I only wanted to see who was there and I would have told them everything…but they just kept trying to get my attention back to the questions at hand…

So the trial we without the younger ones having to testify and the man was found guilty…my parents wouldn’t let me go to court and I remember being upset and thinking it really should have been my choice if I went or not…all my other close cousins went and it seemed like it gave them a type of closure…me? I went to school like a typical miserable day and my father brought my lunch by and I heard him telling my teacher/principle the verdict…which means he knew the rest of story which made me sick and I got so mad at him!

being a parent now I see that there isn’t a rule book and he just didn’t know how to handle things and somewhere along the way someone probably recommended them tell my teacher or something who knows. I try to see it from his angle because I still remember the look of his face when I questioned him about what was said and I still regret saying anything.

I ended up falling getting really ill and very depressed and eventually couldn’t even go back to the schooland went to homeschooling.
That’s all i remember until a couple years later my mom had graduated college and bought a house so finally no longer homeless! My brother had gotten addicted to drugs and his wife divorced him so he moved in with us.

I met one of my brother’s friends he was 12 years older than me and
When me and my mom got into a real bad car wreck and the car was totalled and my mom was put of work no one would hire me because I was too young he would come take us to the store and just help us out so he became someone I trusted and fast forward a couple years and we were sitting in his car in front of my house and the where we first had s*X then on his way home he called me and said it didn’t need toever happen again. Crushed! I would have done anything to stay with him!

We ended up having a s*x only relationship (we are going to call him E btw) He came to the condo (we had moved )
and we all watched movies and it was like it used to be before anything happened so of course i thought nothing past that he said he was cold so i got him a blanket and of course i had so many feelings for him i was hanging on every moment he asked if i was cold so i only wrapped it around my shoulders and after a little while he took my hand and placed it on himself.
So we spent the night together.

That went on but I didn’t realize how much of a mind game it was with him!
He would see me out in town and call me to go home for a date night and then never show up
we never actually dated it was only sex…but I was way to damaged for that I guess.

I started working as soon as I was old enough and had a car and after working there a few years me and one of the managers started having an affair. Well, he was legally separated from his wife and E was no longer in the picture even though C (the manager is c ) wasn’t my type it was just for fun well, I found out that he was sleeping with another woman we worked with and that he was back with his wife…such a pig…so I wouldn’t be with him anymore and he didn’t like that answer. I went to a new years eve party with everyone from work at c’s house and that’s actually where I met my husband but that comes much later.
When C realized that I was trying to pull away he had me come to his house to talk to me and he made me have sex with him on his sons bed then he had his friend come in there to have sex with me i guess that was my punishment or maybe he is just that blind. The friend saw how scared i was and couldn’t finish but we never told C that. I don’t even know the friends name nor does he know mine.
I’m thankful he was.more kind than C…He was brutal. I cried all the way home.

where we worked had to undergo construction so we closed to the public and some of us went in to work the last few weeks we were open but there were only a handful of us there and I walked into this walk in freezer and he followed me and made me give him an orgasm and as quickly as he stormed in there he left.

i had been with J now for quite some time a was 6 or 7 months pregnant i was trying to leave work and still working under C the pig
and he took my things and disappeared with them…J was outside waiting to give me a ride home and i grabbed a co worker and asked him to wait for me and he didn’t understand so he waited around for a few minutes and when i went to go look for my things i heard the back door shut and knew i was trapped…

he was in the girls bathroom with my things waiting for me and grabbed me and wanted me to give him an orgasm and even with me trying to move he just slammed me back

i remember the paper towel holder cutting into my shoulder
and the trashcan hitting the low of my back

i was scared of him all of a sudden
i worried what he was capable of right then

so what else could i do except give him what he wanted yet again

he was gone afterward while i stared into the mirror and fought back tears while i washed the dirty off my hands
over and over again
i worried it would bleed my dirty into my baby that i was carrying or something.

i stood there and composed myself and got my stupid things that i should have just left him with
and went to J that was waiting and had to come up with a lie as to why me and C were the last  ones out…and he is wondering if i am cheating on him with this pig.

on the ride home i stare out the window at the stars rub my tummy and hold on to J’s arm for dear life holding in the tears
just til i get home.

i cannot remember how many other times it happened i have blocked out so much i only remember bits and pieces…

i ended up telling my husband about it but i couldn’t expose myself fully so I told him I cheated and slept with C instead of being r*ped…not sure why it was easier but I believe its say it again if it came down to it.
so our marriage suffered and i was pregnant with our second child by then which was born at 1.7 so i quit work so no longer having to be punished for not sleeping with him again. even the other managers would ask him why he was so hard on me or why he would always give me the most hours and hardest positions every week when they are supposed to switch it out and he just would say needs practice or needs to get better i would over hear but i would rather him pout and punish me by making me work two shifts and do two people’s jobs and dog me the whole time than to ever lay a hand on me again!

he was married to his third wife this time so i guess he didn’t feel comfortable to be with me because he used to make comments about his wife being able to smell me on him so he would push me to my knees or smell me in their bed so he would take me to their little boy’s bed…

either way the sexual abuse had stopped.

i always seem to get myself in those situations though this guy from work came and tried to get me to have sex with him he pushed me to the floor and pushed him knees between my legs and started touching me everywhere it took me forever to get him off me and get him to leave i ended up telling him that my brother was going to be home any minute and that scared him off.

i just learned that all men are pigs!

i started hanging out with a friend that worked with my mom we will call her “Suzie”
she took me to go with some friends to clean up a house that her father had for sale and met some of her other friends there who were supposed to help…little did i know that meant drink and smoke drugs…i only smoked cigarettes i didnt like the situation and stayed close to one guy that i knew because he worked with my mom so i felt safe with him…mistake he was a pig too.
then he went and told people about what he had me do…he was so much bigger than me and stronger than me…me and suzie were the only girls we were so outnumbered! i never told her what happened i think she was jealous when she heard the rumors and i couldnt believe it!

something i think i just ask for these situations…put myself in them maybe?
even with my dad’s girlfriends daughter i was forced to try and be her friend so i went to go ride around with her and her boyfriend and they took me to a house there was a guy there and while she and her boyfriend we nt to go have s*x they left me and that guy alone for what felt like hours! he started touching me and rubbing my shoulders kissing my neck…i felt like a deer in headlights
i was scared to move…scared to say no…worried of what he would do…i couldnt run I didnt even know where we were because we werent in  “kansas” anymore…we were at least an hour away from my dad’s house and i didnt know my way around there at all!

i ended up lying to him telling him that i had a dr appointment the very next day and kept talking about medical and just really boring stuff and eventually he stopped rubbing me and kissing me and started just talking to me and backed away…i was able to talke him down until she came out finally and i never went anywhere with her again!

when we got back to my dad’s i called E and wanted him to come get me but since we were in a different town i had no idea how to have him come get me so i went with the dads girlfriends daughter to the roof and looked out at the lake and got drunk until it was time to go home.
that is when my drinking started to get real bad… every chance i got which was every night since my mom worked at a hospital and i was home alone every night all night except my brother who was down stairs and whatever friends he would have over but they were always too out of their minds to noticed what was going on so i stayed in my room worked out and when my body couldnt handle anymore i listened to music and drank.

since C refused to not use protection it’s highly probable that it was him that gave me a type of std that give women a pre cancerous cell
which ended up spreading to over 3/4 of my cervics and started progressing to cancer very rapidly so I had to have surgery to remove the cancerous cells and so far it hasn’t came back. but every time I go to get the tests done its a reminder to me…

a couple years ago I was diagnosed with anxiety, ptsd, ocd, depression…I felt like I was falling into a dark hole.
I was struggling to have a sexual relationship with my husband because anytime he did something that would remind me of something that C did I would fight off tears and didn’t understand why. he would touch me and I would just shrug him off and honestly not be able to have a relationship like he wanted and he didn’t understand and I really didn’t either.

I started dealing with it little by little and started opening up to him and finally told him one day that I didn’t willing have an affair on him but that I was forced to and of course he was angry to be bringing all that back up and very confused by me lying but I talked he listened he asked questions and I answered the best I could. I really battled for two long years and started harming myself on my upper thighs where I could keep it hidden.

he did find them one day and I had to address it but honestly it was for the better looking back.

now we are so very close… we have never had a relationship like this and he is happy as am I…I still have bad days as I have triggers and struggle as I did here recently and was really heartbroken because it was my first trigger and I thought I was over it and completely healed so it took me by surprise.

we have a wonderful love life like we are newly weds and it’s like I realize that if I am having a bad day I just tell him and he gives me space or comfort…but another thing I worry of is I haven’t hurt myself during this time getting over this trigger but I have went to my husband for more s*x and I guess the only way to put it is Ive asked him to be more rough with me and I worry that is to replace the other…

either way getting through this and telling him the truth was as hard as I thought it would be but it has been more helpful than I ever imagined! our relationship isn’t built on lies now and I’m giving him a chance to know me…after 15 years… knowing me.

I have a wonderful husband and I am still so worried that I will push him away but one day at a time and today… today I am ok
today I am not squirming in my own skin…we will worry about tomorrow, tomorrow”