Purpose For The Pain

I have known for a long time that all my pain had a purpose. That I have gone through everything I have so that I could learn to use it to help others.
I have known that this is my calling in life for a long time now.
I have blogged in the past about wanting to becoming a victim advocate. And, that is still a passion of mine.
I have started doing some training so that I can volunteer at The Family Center. All volunteers are required to watch webinars to get some form of training and earn certificates. It’s been very very eye opening for me. I’ve not only learned a lot about myself but I’ve learned a lot about others and better ways to deal with certain things.
So far I have earned 5. Very rewarding but it was also pretty intense and brought up issues with me that I didn’t realize were there. It’s been a very good experience. I have taken a break from the webinars to work on my own journey. There is no rush. I’m doing what I’m meant to do and I’m doing it at a pace that feels good for me.
I’m not sure where I’m headed in this journey yet. Will I just do my blogging? Will I become a victim advocate? Will I do something else? Right now, it’s anyone’s guess, but I know I’m going in the right direction!
I know that healing begins when someone bears witness. I want to be that person for those who need it most!

Dear Future Katie – Letter To Get Me Through Future Tough Times

Dear Future Katie:
Here’s a few things I want you to know…
You struggle with mental health conditions. This is something you will have to deal with for the rest of your life. But always remember: Hard times comes and they go. You have lived this countless times and come through them each and every time.
You are one of the bravest and strongest people I know. You use your struggles to help others. But, know this… it is absolutely OK for you to reach out to others, too. You don’t have to struggle alone. Know who has your back and lean on them when needed.
You have your amazing tool box. Always know you can reach in there. Whether it’s looking at pictures of better times, reading positive things people have said about you previously, snuggling with your cat, or anything that helps soothe the bad days. I believe in you 100%. You haven’t lost this fight yet and I don’t see you ever losing.
You are so resilient and so determined to succeed. Sure, life knocks you down, but you have chosen not to unpack and live there. Life can give you a cactus but you don’t have to sit on it.
Feeling stressed? Don’t forget that you can always take a walk and clear your head. That has worked for you in the past and I bet it will continue to be a good stress reliever.
Most of all… be kind to yourself. You are only human. We all have our bad days. Just remember: The darkness doesn’t last forever.
You’ve got this!
♥KatieButterfly

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To The Person Who Asked If I Was Expecting

I knew you didn’t mean any harm when you asked me today if I was expecting. But, your question hurt me.
I’m experiencing an uncomfortable side effect of a new medication I’m on – bloating and gas.
I looked in the mirror today and saw this.

And, it bothered me for a couple reasons. I have body image issues I have been struggling with for years. It also bothered me to “look” pregnant when I clearly can’t be. I was trying to talk kindly to myself and not let this temporary food baby ruin my whole day.
Then I was asked if I was expecting. And, then I realized that it wasn’t just my distorted eyes but that I really must look that bloated.
You meant well. However, it crushed me. Not just because I look pregnant but because when I’m asked that question I have to say no. “No, no baby. Nope. Just bloat.” While I say those words with a smile inside I’m crying.
I’m crying because I can’t have a baby. I probably physically can but because of all my mental health issues we have decided not to. And I know this is realistically what is best for our family as most days I can barely take care of myself.
But, the maternal instincts are so strong and is so painful.
I try to be OK with it. And, deal with it by being an “aunt” to other kids. And, I’m usually OK doing that. But, when asked questions like that. It makes the pain more real.
Questions like that are usually a bad idea. For the reasons I listed and probably many more.
No, I’m not pregnant. I’m bloated. And yes, I’m going to focus on being the best me I can be.

YouTube Channel

Hello to my followers!

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. This year’s theme is “Your Voice Has Power.” and is very appropriate as I am currently working on expressing myself and my story through verbal communication. I have started a Vlog on YouTube. Feel free to check it out and comment on it.

My Voice Has Power, and yours does too!

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC7-n49SlbP8PNXfrvbLYuoQ?view_as=subscriber

Winter Katie vs Summer Katie – How Seasonal Affective Disorder affects my life

I know I’ve talked about my different mental health issues but today I wanted to talk about my experience with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). The nicer days we’ve had combined with the first day of Spring has me hopeful that the long, long winter months are almost gone.
However, I don’t just want Spring to come for the obvious reasons. I want a break from a depression that sucks almost all of the life out of me. And that’s what I want to talk about. SAD and how it affects me personally.
I struggle with my anxiety, depression and personality disorder all year long, but I am more a depressed hermit in the winter, and I’m much more of a social butterfly in the summer. In the winter, most days I don’t get out of bed until late morning/early afternoon (Unless I have to work or be somewhere) and then when I do make it out of bed the couch becomes my best buddy. I feel much more depressed and overwhelmed and my motivation is pretty much shot.  When the days start getting warmer and longer you will probably see more of me. I’ll actually start to get the motivation, I lacked all winter, to get out of bed earlier, to actually get dressed and decent looking. I’ll be in a better mood. And actually look forward to living life again.
If you know me well you can probably tell the difference in my mood/motivation because I’ll make more of an effort to do my hair, put make up on, and throw together a stylish outfit.  But, it’s not always a tell tale sign. You still can’t judge a book by it’s cover. Because some days I’ll dress down and wear sweats and be in a a perfectly great place in life. Likewise, I could be all dressed up and be crying on the inside.
I am a complex person. And there is so much more to me than my winter blues, summer yays, and everything in-betweens.
I am me. Perfectly Flawed.

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♥KatieButterfly

 

 

Self Affirmations

self-af·fir·ma·tion
ˈˌself ˌafərˈmāSHən/
noun
  1. the recognition and assertion of the existence and value of one’s individual self.

 

I am fearless. I am brave. I am determined and I am stubborn. I’m a social butterfly and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I have anxiety and depression that can counter-act that social butterfly but it doesn’t change who I am.
I am kind and I am caring. I go out of my way to help people and make them feel loved. I don’t like the thought of people going through things that I have gone through. I am working on setting boundaries so I don’t get hurt because of my good heart.
I’m a pretty impatient person and I have many flaws. I’m constantly working on being a better “me”. Some days I think I know who I am and other days I’m not so sure. It’s a work in progress.
I love to laugh. I have a good sense of humor. I make stupid jokes (family blood curse) but you will find myself laughing at it. I know how to laugh at myself. I’ve had years of practice. I am a goofball and sometimes a total ditz/clutz and I’m OK with that. It’s just a part of who I am.
I like who I am, and the things I don’t like, I work on and try to put a positive spin on it. (Like being stubborn, I turned it into a good thing instead of a bad thing)
I am worthy of good things.  I am worthy of love. I am worthy of friendship. I am worthy.
I am an advocate. I have your back but most of all I’ve got my own back. If no one else does, I know that I do!
My story isn’t over yet; it’s only just beginning.
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#MeToo and “Why Are People Coming Forward Now?”

In regards to the MeToo Movement and whenever someone comes forward about abuse in their life. We hear so much of “why didn’t this person come forward, or why now?”
I really don’t owe anyone an explanation but I’m going to give one anyway to help raise some awareness…
I didn’t remember my rape until several years AFTER the fact. One day it hit me like a ton of bricks. Apparently severe trauma has the ability to alter things we remember until we are able to better deal with them or never in some cases.
I CHOSE not to report what happened to me for a couple reasons. It had been so long, I didn’t want my mental health issues thrown in my face and I didn’t want to go through the trauma of court and facing him in that way.
I have found other ways to reclaim my life. I have found my voice and I can now help guide others too. Each story is different. Don’t judge what you don’t know. #metoo