To The Person Who Asked If I Was Expecting

I knew you didn’t mean any harm when you asked me today if I was expecting. But, your question hurt me.
I’m experiencing an uncomfortable side effect of a new medication I’m on – bloating and gas.
I looked in the mirror today and saw this.

And, it bothered me for a couple reasons. I have body image issues I have been struggling with for years. It also bothered me to “look” pregnant when I clearly can’t be. I was trying to talk kindly to myself and not let this temporary food baby ruin my whole day.
Then I was asked if I was expecting. And, then I realized that it wasn’t just my distorted eyes but that I really must look that bloated.
You meant well. However, it crushed me. Not just because I look pregnant but because when I’m asked that question I have to say no. “No, no baby. Nope. Just bloat.” While I say those words with a smile inside I’m crying.
I’m crying because I can’t have a baby. I probably physically can but because of all my mental health issues we have decided not to. And I know this is realistically what is best for our family as most days I can barely take care of myself.
But, the maternal instincts are so strong and is so painful.
I try to be OK with it. And, deal with it by being an “aunt” to other kids. And, I’m usually OK doing that. But, when asked questions like that. It makes the pain more real.
Questions like that are usually a bad idea. For the reasons I listed and probably many more.
No, I’m not pregnant. I’m bloated. And yes, I’m going to focus on being the best me I can be.

One comment

  1. Katie, I want to tell you something about myself.A few years ago I met my daughter’s close friend in a store. She was wearing a lose top that I miss took for a maternity top. I happily congratulated her and asked when her baby was due. (She wasn’t having a baby) she said. I was so embarrassed I wanted to crawl into a dark hole. Later my daughter told me never to talk with her friends again. I had opened my mouth without thinking how it sounded, and really hurt this young women. I am now wiser because of my mistake. I hope the person who hurt you realizes what she said was unkind and too quick with her words. Many times I have been to quick with my words, it’s hard to change our selves until we realize what we do. I hope you won’t hurt to long over what an unkind person said. We all make mistakes sometime, but if we learn from our mistake, then we become a better person. Human beings make so many mistakes. I have learned to let my mistakes teach me a lesson in life, to forgive others and myself.
    Good night sweet Katie Butterfly, be happy, be healthy, and love yourself, because you are truly Beautiful. Your friend, Rita


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