Today starts Eating Disorder Awareness Week and as someone who has struggled with some form of disordered eating since I was about 14 I thought I would share something I wrote about 2 1/2 years ago when I last had a big relapse.

Friday, August 8, 2014

I have realized on this hell-ish journey of what they call anorexia, that the number will never be enough. I’ve been starving myself off and on since about February. First it was to lose about 10 lbs that I gained while my thyroid was under active. I started eating better but just ate less. I finally got back to my normal weight. And I decided I was gonna go lower. Mostly because I hate my breasts. So, I started cutting back on calories. Counting them on an app and a tracker that counted how many calories I had burned. I’m really not much of an exerciser, so I mostly just restricted what I ate, between eating normal on weekends or when with friends. Didn’t want them to catch on and wanted to still enjoy myself and not put my life is jeopardy. Well, I’m at about 10 lbs away from what I called my goal weight. And the last few days I really restricted so I can finally reach the goal. I’ve agonized over getting help and eating right and just a constant battle with my therapist over it and now my medication doctor. “The breast fat I have lost, I can’t, just can’t gain back” is what my thoughts have been.  With lack of nutrition, dealing with PTSD from my abuse and then losing my best friend with just a little text as goodbye, I was falling apart. Really depressed and wore out.

I can’t do this anymore.

Here’s why.

It’s not worth bringing back an illness that I have spent 5+ years working on remaining in remission. I will not go back to that person. Especially not at the expense of my attacker or something as dumb as a number on a scale.

And it’s just that… A number. That number isn’t gonna make me happy.

People make me happy. My wonderful supportive fiancé, family and dear friends. They make me happy.

I have so many goals in life and none of them include living in a hospital… Far far from it.

So, tonight, I start the for-real recovery back from this disease. Tonight I delete the apps encouraging these behaviors.

I am still going to eat healthier but if I want something junky – I’m going to have it!

I am more than a number.

I am so much more than that!

This journey is going to be really hard but I hope I have you to get me through this.

It’s time to see the beauty of this girl, from the inside out, that everyone else sees.

I wasn’t going to write this, but it was time. It is time. My abuser doesn’t get to win, and this doesn’t either. Goodbye to the both of you.

I still struggle today, especially with my thyroid acting up again and gaining weight over the holidays. I am struggling between eating too much or eating too little and just having very low self-esteem. I am doing the best I can to continue to fight this monster.

If you struggle too, as many people do, I want you to know you are not alone.

Let’s keep on keeping on!

Love always, Katie Butterfly