September is National Suicide Prevention Month. As a multi survivor of suicide I thought I would write a blog post and share a video post too. You can view the video here
My last attempt was about 9 years ago. It’s still hard to believe!
I started showing signs of borderline personality disorder at age 14. We tried to get help. Professionals would not attempt to diagnose or treat me until I turned 18 because “‘my personality was still forming” or something like that.
By the time I was able to get the help I needed the damage had been done. Things would get worse before they could start to get better.
I hit rock bottom and attempted it one last time.
It was soon after I was raped (even though I didn’t knew it then) I wasn’t taking my meds, I was doing a lot of stupid stuff, I was in and out of hospitals. I was near my end. I truly wanted to die.
And at this time I had someone I thought was a friend practically telling me to do it.
I remember even in the ER, after having a tube down my throat to pump my stomach, checking my email on my phone and seeing her still harass me. I’m going to find some of her words, as I still have them saved. I am going to share then because you should NEVER talk to anyone like that especially someone you know who is mentally ill and over the edge. Words I haven’t forgotten to this day.
“You always have a thorn in your ass. For a job, you have no idea what it is to work for a living and yes, you are a natural born loser. Problem, you are a problem any one who lives on well fare is a loser. try living without it “
“You can’t hold a job cuz you are just plain lazy. You get money from the county, more than I make in a month, and you sit on your ass and complain. Sorry but I have a life to get in order, and I intend to do it. You make me feel like a winner, cuz you really are a loser.”
That’s just a couple of them.
I completely lost my will to live after that. I had just slept with a married man (didn’t know it was rape at the time) and was living with such shame and self-hatred. And then to have someone who I thought was my friend telling me that the world hated me too. That was the last straw.
I downed a bunch of pills. I was serious this time. The world hated me and I hated me too. However I got scared and called the ambulance on myself. I stopped to think and I knew things were bad but dying that way probably wasn’t the answer.
The ambulance came and took me away all while the neighbors were all looking out the window, happy that the crazy was going away. I will never get the picture out of my head.
I went by ambulance to the ER. They pumped my stomach and I had to drink charcoal, too, to get all the poison out of my system. I never want to go through that again.
And, after all that. Guess who showed up to the ER. My one neighbor that put up with some of my mental health related shenanigans. He came to the ER and said nothing was worth dying over. And he sat with me until they took me to the psych ward.
Where is that guy now? You got it. We are committed life partners. Someone that loves me THAT much. I can’t live my life without him.
So, to sum this up. BE KIND. You never know how your words or actions may truly change a person’s life. I didn’t die, but to this day, I remember all the unkindness that I’ve endured. None of us are perfect, but it’s important to remember that kindness can change a person’s life for the better.
Listen. Be a friend. Ask how you can help. Offer to look into possible resources. Just be there. You don’t even have to say a word. Just being there can make all the difference!
All my love as I come out of the darkness and into the light – Katie Butterfly